This page supplements the short, free ebook The Reason Revolution, available here. Please read it as you consider the following advice.

The sex-positive advice offered here may seem brazen, even shockingly explicit, to many who have grown up in religiously repressed, sex-negative American culture (as well as most other religion-infused cultures worldwide). But, recognize that young people are, or soon will be, familiar with every topic mentioned here via peer relationships, the Internet, social media, and other means (although they may be grossly misinformed by those information sources). Further, non-religious readers will recognize that nothing advised here is unhealthy or unsafe so long as the precautions listed at the bottom of the page are observed. So, presenting this advice explicitly simply gives accurate, judgment-free information about natural human sexuality, bringing it out of the shadows of misinformation, irrational shame, and needless embarrassment.

Being a public document, this article may be read by young men themselves as well as by parents who want to communicate openly with their soon-to-be sexually active sons. Both uses are encouraged.

TO:   Our teenage son
FROM:   Dad and Mom
SUBJECT:  Sex advice as you begin your life as a sexual adult

We love you, and we want you to have a satisfying, safe, and socially responsible sex life. We don't want you to rely on religion-derived cultural myths about sex, which often incorrectly portray many sexual behaviors as bad or immoral. We offer the following advice from our science-informed, secular humanist perspective.

1. Masturbate as much as you want. Unrelieved, uncomfortable horniness is optional, although you may enjoy the intensity of pent-up sexual desire at times — it's your choice. Your pleasure may be enhanced by use of a water-based personal lubricant, especially if you are circumcised.
2. Use erotic photos, videos, and stories that appeal to you for stimulation and arousal, whether for solo masturbation or during sex play with an agreeable partner. Ensure that only adults over age 18 are portrayed. Be aware that much pornography depicts human sexuality in an unrealistic manner intended for a male audience. Most male-oriented porn is not a suitable "field manual" for how to treat a woman. Relying on it as a model for your own behavior will identify you as a jerk in the eyes of most women. Sex is not something that you "do to" another; rather you "do with" or even "do for" another.
3. Feel free to engage in mutual masturbation and intimate fondling with a partner with whom intercourse is not mutually desired or safe (see precautions below). You may suggest this alternative or non-coercively lead your partner who may be too shy to do so herself.
4. Explore and learn with others what feels good to you, and to them. There are no inherently "bad" sexual activities between consenting adults. Feel free to include toys in your play, such as vibrators, dildos, pressure clips, constraints, and other devices to enhance pleasure. Ask her to teach you how she likes to orgasm — every woman is different. Alternating periods of teasing and delay of orgasm may prolong your mutual pleasure. Indulge your curiosity. Experiment. Communicate.
5. Although sexual partners need to be reasonably attractive to each other, don't be drawn to a woman solely by her physical beauty or overt sexiness. Some men seek gorgeous women as "trophies" to display to other men, intending to demonstrate their superior masculinity (ironically, often a sign of their insecurity and fear of inadequacy). Similarly, women who rely largely on their physical features to attract male attention are often insecure and troublesome partners over extended time.
6. Get comfortable with rejection. A woman you find attractive may not reciprocate your feeling, or may have other reasons not to be receptive to your overture. Her rejection is not a universal judgment of you, and is not a reason to be angry or resentful toward her. Accept it with understanding and grace. Thank her for her honesty, which may have saved both of you future disappointment and wasted time.
7. Feel free to explore any same-sex attraction you may experience toward another young man of similar age. However, be careful about being seduced, aggressively persuaded, or coerced, especially by someone older. If you discover that you are gay (of course, you may have made this discovery earlier in your life), celebrate your discovery, be proud of your identity, and explore the unique opportunities available to you that your heterosexual friends will not experience. Understand that one's sexual orientation along the straight-bi-gay continuum is biologically determined, not an unfettered choice. Find your own comfort zone along that continuum.
8. Feel free to explore your "kinks" (sexual interests beyond vaginal intercourse). Kinks may include oral sex (fellatio and cunnilingus), anal sex, dominant/submissive roles, bondage, fetishes, fascination with particular body parts or physical positions, simultaneous multi-person (group) sex, and other interests that may be regarded as abnormal or "wrong" by people whose sexuality has been distorted by religious notions about "morality" that permeate our culture. Exercise caution in putting yourself at risk of physical harm by a partner whom you do not fully trust. Also, feel free to decline to participate in any sexual activity that does not appeal to you. Desires that involve exploitation of vulnerable people, such as pedophilia and voyeurism, must not be acted upon, for both legal and ethical reasons; professional help may be needed to control or redirect such urges.
9. Avoid becoming sexually or romantically involved with a woman who is mentally unstable or emotionally vulnerable. Signs of trouble include jealousy, possessiveness, groundless distrust, fault-finding, irrational fearfulness, inappropriate anger, wide mood swings, being easily offended, and a "helpless princess" self-image that calls for pointless caregiving by her male partner. (Be aware that your exhibiting similar behaviors may signal to an emotionally healthy woman that you yourself may be a "troublesome" partner.) If you find that a relationship contains more conflict than you are comfortable with, you may choose to respectfully terminate it. A useful phrase for a graceful exit may be, "Sorry, this isn't working for me. I'm not feeling the right chemistry."
10. Don't join your male peers in "slut-shaming" and other forms of negative judgment of girls and women for (apparently) being sexually active or for nonconforming dress and sex-related behavior. As secular humanists, we protect the personal dignity and well-being, both physical and emotional, of all people.
11. There is no need to become entrapped in a sexually exclusive relationship with a woman unless you are content, at least temporarily, in a monogamous pairing. Exclusivity (having regular sex with only one person) is a negotiable issue. Polyamory (having concurrent sexual relationships with more than one person) is an option you may explore. Although women are traditionally stereotyped as being rigidly monogamous, many females also wish to preserve their sexual freedom and do not want to feel "owned" by a man as his sexual property. Develop the skills to communicate about having multiple concurrent partners. Responsible polyamory is an honest, non-possessive, equal-rights, mutually desired form of relationship — it is NOT "cheating," deception, or lying to hide your other relationship(s) from a partner who assumes your relationship is sexually exclusive (monogamous).
12. Don't allow sexual or romantic relationships to divert you from your academic and career goals. The special person who happens to be the object of your infatuation today will not be your only opportunity to have meaningful and exciting relationships in the future. "Sex for fun" is OK; you need not feel obliged to be, nor pretend to be, on "partner track." One can "fall in love" more than once in life. As you mature and the early sexual exploratory phase of your life evolves, you may want to choose a partner with whom to establish a family with children. There is no rush to do so; wait until your readiness feels clear. When that time comes, ensure that genuine friendship (mutual respect, admiration, joy in companionship), not solely sexual attraction, is the primary basis of your partner-bond. Friendship grows for a lifetime; sexual infatuation inevitably fades. Remember that polyamory can happily coexist with marriage and parenting as long as your friendship remains intact and honesty prevails over secretiveness in your primary relationship.
13. Recognize that some women may be more ready for a family-type relationship than you, at present, are, and may be "trophy-hunting" for an idealized husband. Be vigilant and canny in recognizing the hidden, and often unconscious, motives and methods of women seeking the false security of the perfect provider-protector husband. Divorce and grief await the unwary.

Some important precautions:

14. Never have sex with a woman whose consent and mutual interest is in doubt. Choose partners who enthusiastically consent, and where drugs or alcohol are not involved in first-time encounters, as inebriation impairs judgment and can compromise "consent." Responsible use of non-addictive recreational drugs and alcohol, which is ubiquitous in American culture, should be reserved for non-first-time sex. (We trust you to become informed of the facts, and the myths, about drugs and alcohol, and to protect your health.)
15. Sex between an adult male (18 or over) and underage girls or boys (under 18) is illegal and must be avoided. In some states, sex between both underage partners is illegal and punished as statutory rape. Age of consent varies by state statute.
16. Always use condoms to prevent pregnancy and infection by a sexually transmitted disease (STD) unless that protection is otherwise ensured.
17. Don't do sexting of selfies, and don't allow photographs or video recordings of yourself in sexual situations. Once images are created and shared, they are permanently beyond your control.

Son, we want you to enjoy your sexuality, an essential ingredient of a happy life!

Disclosure: The author of this article is a 70-year-old grandfather (and retired psychologist).

Special thanks to Dr. Darrel Ray, creator and host of the Secular Sexuality Podcast, for his invaluable comments and suggestions on this article.